Drop the guilt…
Like many women, I used to spend my life feeling guilty. I am not talking about the kind of guilt where you may have snaffled the kids sweets or perhaps started an argument with your partner because you were in a bad mood (although this could have happened accidently on purpose from time to time – ooops!) No, that kind of guilt can usually be remedied with a heartfelt apology and a ‘let’s move on’.
I am talking about the guilt that we self-inflict on ourselves as women. The kind of guilt that quite literally ends up feeling like heavy baggage that we can’t put down. I felt guilty for going to work and not being at home with my kids, I felt guilty for not being able to stay at work as late as others were as I had to get home to pick my kids up, I felt guilty for forgetting to do something I said I would do as my mind had got distracted onto a dozen other things that needed my attention, I felt guilty for not being able to keep to my exercise plan as time kept running out, I felt guilty for being so tired I didn’t have the energy to support my team at work, I felt guilty when we ran out of fruit at home…….the list goes on but you get the picture!
Feelings of guilt like this are so common that, according to a recent survey, 96% of women feel guilty about something at least once a day! Feeling guilty erodes our confidence, our self-belief, our energy levels and our ability to focus. In a way it’s a bit of a spiral effect. When I think back, a lot of the time spent feeling guilty about all this stuff was very much about me telling myself that I ‘should’ feel guilty rather than anyone else ever directly making me feel like this.
So why do we spend so much of out lives feeling guilty? Some of the answer to this lies in the long-held beliefs that we have about ourselves: belief in the need to achieve perfection in everything we do (we don’t, 80% rather than 100% is good enough for most things in life), stories we tell ourselves that our parents handled this stuff far better than us (they didn’t, we just believe they did or they have their rose tinted spectacles on).
So what can we do to tackle these unproductive feelings of guilt and step into a more empowered state? Here are 3 tips that I have used myself and that I now use with my coaching clients.
1) If a lot of the guilty feelings, as mine were, come from feelings of not being or doing enough; make a list of all the things that you DO do for those people. Write it down and stick it in your wallet or somewhere that you might regularly see it. This re-frame of the situation crucially shifts your attention away from the negative and towards the positive.
2) Shift to an outsider’s perspective and observe what’s happening. Is the cause of guilt something that is in your control or outside your control? If it’s outside your control consider whether it’s worth the time and energy spent of feeling guilty.
3) Check in with yourself as to whether there are any beliefs hidden behind the feeling of guilt. Very commonly, a belief that everything you do needs to be perfect can often be there. It can be a bitter pill to swallow but acknowledging that you may actually be creating a guilty feeling around something is an important ‘check in’ with yourself.
Feeling freedom from guilt is an empowering feeling and it’s one of the most common mindset issues that crop up with the women I coach. There is no silver bullet, it takes conscious and consistent action to achieve. If you would like support to overcome guilt in order to unlock your potential get in touch.